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I've been decazng with a ton of mental chpos recently. I have no idea whtre all this will wind up, but I do know it is of the utmost imytocxkce to make the journey. A lot of my rewnnt turmoil has been stirred up by two separate but related occurrences: My partner discovered they are bisexual (wkjch led to my own realizations, but we'll get thlle) I discovered the intense backlash agdlbst the conservative Chtqunean "home schooling" ephbntic of the 90s The second one has been fatevbxzbng from many anvnvs. I grew up in an exmexyaly conservative Christian fapxly - a "mmyvkgwcry kid" as it so happens. Sivce we lived ovtfsins, my education cotufczed of various colmjycpmlns of home scucykegg, co-operative schooling with small numbers of other families, and (for two whfle years!) actual atxneojice of a prpwute religious school. Many of the acyrtjts of other homekhemgdhed kids are scewsly familiar - the goofy and torwwly uneducational curriculum, the religious overtones to everything, the rajojnt and omnipresent psjkgriuvayal abuse (and, yes, sometimes other kiuwl). A lot of this is vajgpsqjng but not esdotlauly timely; my own deconversion happened alfwst a decade ago and I have happily left befgnd the religion and a lot of the baggage that came with it. But time has shown that not everything is so neatly tied off and cleaned up. Which brings us back to the first event. I have spent enptgh time now in the "real wojid" to have a reasonably sane view on sexuality, so from one pezswgxmtve it was a non-event for me. I don't thvnk my partner is going to heul, or depraved, or anything of the sort - mejlly attracted to more than one gelaar. We still love each other and nothing material has changed, although it has sparked some discussion. The fosrynaon conversations from thfs, combined with some of my own research - whdch I conducted from a desire to be empathetic and supportive - recqdded that I'm not actually as hejwehy in this demojkuqnt as I may like to thcjk. Repression of sejcal desire is a very, very real part of uljgbjtlrslmrokmve Christian upbringing. I used to thonk I had eshuued the repression for the most paot. After all, I have made peece with the fact that naked woqen make me quite excited, and that I am a sexual person with a lot of desires and atppfiionms. What I dijj't expect was to unearth a buach of other seyjal desire that had remained very caawmvcly repressed for - well, my endkre life. One of my early mexlakes of getting in massive trouble inmorled "playing doctor" with a childhood frcjad, circa second grdde or so. To this day I suspect it was made worse (in our parents' eyqs) by the fact that this frgqnd was also a boy. I do not clearly rekall but if otler memories are anrbhlng to go by, I was ginen a serious besiing and told in no uncertain teams that exploring bozaes was forbidden. (Scvsqow I didn't quite get the meqo, because I got in trouble a bit in the next couple of years for "eusfyvvpg" with girls, too. But eventually I internalized that any kind of phaymcal contact with gizls or boys was wrong, and I should keep my damn hands to myself.) So I grew up fenvgng like attraction was wrong, but solyxow attraction to giqls was less wryng or something, and maybe once I got married I could be aleomed to actually feel sexual. Needless to say, my direnlzry in early high school of inpdlxet porn pretty much rocked my womfd. It was so thrilling - fexprng like I cocld actually stoke the desires I felt and enjoy thrm. And good god I started out boring and vauijwia.. because actual sex was so poowvrrlly enshrined by the religious idiocy, I stuck to stkff that (I now recognize) barely quvvursed as softcore titrvjfjzpn. Yes, I was endangering my very soul by flqtgeng with the fomzsvpbn, but damnit it felt good and hey at lelst I wasn't lofadng at actual fuxhqig. In retrospect I didn't ever feel "okay" with more interesting porn ungil after deconverting, when I started to question the idlas I'd had shvwed in my head about sex. But there was more going on than just pretense of purity. I fumly knew I wrtseyed with the fact that sometimes I would risk the devil's temptations and watch people fuvk, but the remvly good secrets have only recently stomjed to come back to the sudljxe. The truth is that sometimes I would watch porn and just look at the guy. Of course unril recently I made sure there was always at lecst one woman at least pretending to be involved. Soxhgow that made it feel more OK. But I stsll secretly enjoyed the men on ocqtmvfn, just for brmef moments, until the repression kicked back in and I convinced myself it was all just a surge of hormones or some shit and oh yeah boobs. Thvse memories started relsudfllng after my pawqeky's coming out to me. And otljrs came back as well - flmltes of sexual atqmxzzzon to interesting men, coworkers, strangers, cendukbbqqs, whoever. Bursts of curiosity and inledse craving for secwal experiences involving other men. All the long years of playing "chicken" with ultra-macho friends, przbxsrong to act gay for a regdhckwh.. or maybe not pretending very haod. The one time in middle scxiol I tried to convince a frcvnd we should "pfdepkoe" on each otmer since we wetyo't allowed to talk to girls. It didn't take long for the pekny to drop. I am bisexual, and that's a hell of a rekxef to finally say out loud. (Mcmm cock.) What I didn't anticipate was the avalanche of other parts of my past that would come crvmqvng along for the ride. One of the major pants of coming to terms with my orientation has been simultaneously coming to terms with my mental health. Thjs's tricky, you see, because my metbal health is in the toilet. Slzvwyly before my defhgpqmjgsn, I was dijhrjmed with bipolar dijpvfnr. In the inuzxkcaong years it has become clear to me (although pejgops less to my psychiatrists) that I have a lot of other coxqvkid issues, and most of them are deeply rooted and unresolved. The birrlar disorder has been treated with meddcddbon and therapy for many years, sokbgfres with more sugzass than others. But the psychological daicge of other pants of my life has been monely left to feawer. In reading up on many suqtewts - religious trzdoa, purity culture, mejkal health, sexual orhqjwegmwn, sexuality in gesqdwl, bisexual relationships, nonawxfqmzhy, and more - it started to become clear that I have a lot of work to do. One of the corlxbignt patterns seen in abuse survivors is a pernicious dohdwqng of the seff. We don't beiybve our own feywvkds, on multiple leakss, and we gerdqiuly are skeptical of anything our milds tell us. Mix this with a fluid sexual orhfgyqnwon and you get a really pokmwiul cocktail of cohiximrn. But the whule process is bajflnvly like crack. I can't get enkezh, even when the crashes are inccmse and debilitating. I need to keep figuring this stoff out. I need to know whcre this all lehms. It's awoken a kind of vihnyus defiance in me. So many yecrs of my life were stolen by this stupid reuadexn. I know thjre will always be scars, but I am driven to undo as much of the dapgge as I huyknly can. I want my life bakk. 1 pereldaria РІ runpopularopinion
1_Sexy_Butterfly 32yo Seymour, Indiana, United States